TOM's FEMA Camp Gift Shop

TOM is a cantankerous curmudgeon who traveled way too far for way too long before he realized he was actually a monarchist that just wanted to live innawoods. He spends inordinate amounts of time in the goonatorium on his palatial estate, daydreaming elaborate fantasies of online arguments wherein he wins with facts & memes, gaining thousands of followers per second as legions of bus riders (mostly white) clap their hands broken and bloody.

In the exceedingly rare instance he’s not larping as a smart guy online, he tends to kick about the extensive grounds of his holdings, gesticulating at his lazy bees, threatening his chickens, and hiding from his grillboss-turned-tardwife who just wants one day, one single stinking day, when he doesn’t announce his latest & greatest plan to restore the American Monarchy that never existed and needs to happen again.